A commercial during the Giants-Redskins NFL opener on NBC showed me peaceful, relaxed, silent people with hardly slightly exposed Sentri cards on which their joys could properly be sung by cheesy, animated ID photos. GetYouHome.gov

This was followed by thirty seconds of Christian Slater's face and high school newsdesk graphics for splitting Slater's face, My Own Worst Enemy, Oct 13.

GetYouHome.gov takes you to the Western Hemisphere Travel Initiative. I clicked the US as my country of origin to see what was there.

On June 1, 2009, citizens returning home from Canada, Mexico, the Caribbean or Bermuda, by land or by sea, will soon be required to present one of the travel documents listed below.

Forget that they threw a soon in there where it doesn't belong. I think. US Passport, US Passport Card for land and sea only, Enhanced Driver's Licenses distributed in the US and Canada for travel by land and sea, and Trusted Traveler Program Cards. I can see frequent travelers getting excited about Sentri, Nexus and FAST cards to avoid the worry and burden of carrying a passport or equivalent documentation. It's like getting the E-Pass. Private lanes, swipe swipe, off you go. No Booths.

But wait, what does it say for Canada? It says the exact same thing. Canadian Passports, Funky Driver's Licenses, Trusty Traveler Cards.

Ok, ok, so what does Mexico say?

All Mexican nationals, including children, are currently required to present a passport with a nonimmigrant visa or a laser visa Border Crossing Card to cross the US Border. This requirement applies to Sentri program members as well.

Nexus: A means of connection; a link or tie
Sentry(i): A guard, especially a soldier posted at a given spot to prevent the passage of unauthorized persons.

By now I hope you've figured out that Nexus is the Northern Border program and Sentri is the Southern Border program. I get it, yes, Mexicans are the ones trying to sneak in, but all "trusted" Nexus and Sentri members have to present other forms of documentation and pay membership fees to receive the card.

Christian Slater, winner of the 1993 MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss with Marisa Tomei in Untamed Heart, now stars in NBC's new sci-fi suspense slot-filler My Own Worst Enemy. He plays two very different men who must... Share One Body. Of course. In the red corner we have Henry Spivey, white guy in the suburbs with a regrettable family. In the blue corner it's Edward Albright, multilingual martial artful government agent. And Their Lives Collide. Snively v. Dignified.

So please, citizens, zip through border crossings and be home in time to catch American Christian Slater be his own worst enemy Mondays at 7 Pacific. If home happens to lie north, designated border crossings nearest to Canadian NBC affiliates are Toronto, Montreal, and Halifax.

Nationals, Redskins, please make your way into the full service line, unless you're getting the hell out, in which case there's no NBC for you anyway.